Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many gay men have open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
